3.02.2006

Blog themes

I've been struggling to uncover what the theme of this blog is? Why did I start it? I've been reading others blogs for awhile. They make me laugh and cry. I'm such a mixture of things, it's always been hard for me to pick any one thing to label myself or attach to my identity. I've always hated that type of identity. One thing I do know is that I've struggled to like/love myself for a long time. I can remember liking myself when I was little-in elementary school. But I always knew that I was different, hard to like. Now, I find that I am still hard to like or love, but I don't like myself either.

My goal is to find a way to like who I am and love myself. I wonder if I can do it. I do know that there are people who love me. My incredibly wonderful, understanding and cute husband, Mark. My kids. My parents. My girlfriends. I often wonder why they love me. I've asked Mark so many times and he can't explain it. If there are such things as soulmates, he is definitely mine. I understood (yecch)Tom when he told Renee (J.Maquire), "You complete me." That sums Mark up for me. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and he probably saved me from some wretched botched-up life I would have had without him.

My goal for this blog is to try to learn to love myself. I've tried for a long time. I've tried therapy, which sometimes helped, and sometimes went nowhere. I've tried anti-depressants. I wonder if I need to return to them sometimes, but I don't like being on drugs. I've tried drinking (wine, moderately, I don't have an addictive personality, although I can understand why some people drown their sorrows there) and I like that, but it's not really a solution. I'd like to try therapy again, but we can't afford it right now. So, this is my therapy. My personal dumping grounds.

If anyone is reading this, I'm open to suggestions. I may go back and re-read a book that helped me when I finished college and didn't know who I was or what I wanted to do. Feeling Good by David Burns. It was very simplistic, but I went ahead and did their exercises and it helped.

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