3.15.2006

True Love (Twu Luuv) and then there's my mother's love

To be honest, I have given and received a lot of love in my life. I am grateful for all of that love. I can categorize the love I have felt; my conflicted love of my mother, my unconditional love of my father, friendship love, unrequited crushes, high school puppy love, and my current soulmate-see-all-your-faults-and-still-love-you love for that husband of mine. But nothing compares to the love I feel as a mother. The feeling that comes over me as I look at my kiddos sleeping, playing, throwing a tantrum, sleeping or spilling juice, is like an endorphine injection. OK, so, not every waking moment is spent mooning over them, but you get the picture. It is through their eyes that I try to see myself. Do they care that I haven't lost 15 lbs. and I have a big ole flabby tummy? Do they care that I think I am so flawed that I can't imagine how to begin liking myself, much less loving myself? Do they care that I'm socially awkward and have anxiety attacks that feel like I'm about to fall into a bottomless pit and won't be there to see them grow up? Do I wonder if I deserve this love? Will they still love me when they are grown and see me as another adult does?

That brings me to the flipside of love, the love I have received. And while my husband's love sustains me and heals me so deeply, to be honest with myself, I have to look at my mother's love, wherein I believe so many of my insecurities stem. I have a love/hate/love-me relationship with my mother. She claims to love me, or so she has always said. And yet, she has always wanted me to be something other than what I am. So how can she really love who I am? I hope this makes sense. I have been trying to make sense of it with and without therapy for years. I have learned to love her for who she is, although I remain frustrated by who she is. She is a very difficult person to know, even by those closest to her.

God, this is hard. There is so much more on this topic. Like I said, it's to the core of where I go and where I've been. I think this is a good intro to one of the topics that occupies a huge percentage of my emotions and thinking time. I just can't do anymore today.

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